The Smiling Gator Online News features the freshest and funniest fakenews in the swamp.  All articles are written by the most smilingest Gator of them all...Alligator Jackson!

 

Tom Brady Leaves Patriots, To Star in TV Show 

(Boston, Mass) Future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady has stunned the sporting world by announcing he is leaving the New England Patriots.  While NFL fans begin speculating which city Brady will surface and be playing on Sundays in 2020, The Smiling Gator has inside information that Brady has played his last down of football.

Sources close to Tom Brady have told The Smiling Gator that Brady will be on TV on Sundays, but it will not be on the football field.  The QB with the model- like looks, will be starting the new Sunday night sitcom "The Tom Brady Bunch.  In the show, Brady will play himself - a former 43 year-old NFL superstar.  The character gets bored with himself and becomes a nanny for a mother with 6 kids to kill time.  As he gets himself into wacky situations, Brady's nefarious ex-teammates stop to lend a hand.  Bill Belichick, his ex-coach, stops by the household to give him fatherly advice on how to keep the youngsters out of trouble.

The show will be a situation comedy filmed in front of a live audience and will have a moral every week.  Brady will also coach one of the children's peewee football team.  In the pilot episode, the kid decides to emulate his 'nanny' and try to deflate footballs.  Brady tries to sit the kid down and explain why it was wrong for him to do that.  Brady hilariously stammers and stumbles and cannot come up with a reason why the boy should not have done it.  The doorbell rings and Bill Belichick pops in and tries to explain.  They both fumble around the right explanation why it is wrong to cheat in football.  Eventually the boy's cute little six year-old sister explains to the boy why it is wrong to cheat.

The show will  air after the first NFL Sunday afternoon game at 7 in September of 2020.   The show is being heralded as a throwback to the great sitcoms of the 70's.  The premise is that Brady will attempt to teach the children about ethics and morals, but it will be the children who end up teaching Brady and friends.

Bill Gates Steps Down From Microsoft to Turn Budweiser Into Billweiser 

(New York) Bill Gates, the man Forbes said was the richest man in the world for 20 years until he was overtaken by Jeff Bezos, stepped down from the board of Microsoft, the company he founded.  The surprising thing is that Gates is not retiring.  He turned around and bought Budweiser from AB Bev.

Just as Wall Street was shocked by Gate's aquisition of the brand, he shocked everyone again by announcing he was changing the name to Billweiser.

 

Gates said owning Budweiser was a dream of his since he was young.  Gates said, "I have always loved beer.  Back in high school, people called me a nerd.  I was never invited to the good keg parties.  I told them I was going to be a big beer baron one day and they all laughed.  No one is laughing now."

Gates announced that Bud Light will also change it's name.  The beer will be known as Bill Light as Budweiser becomes Billweiser."

Gates said, "I got my revenge on the girls that shunned me by becoming the richest man in the world.  While the guys who bullied me may have been jealous of my money, wait until they see my name on the best beer can in the world."

Despite his big day on Wall Street, Gates says he is not done yet.  The mogul nerd is reportedly in talks to buy whiskey giants Jack Daniels and Jim Beam and turn them into Bill Gates and Bill Gates 2.

Lysol Buys Corona, Will Change Name to Lysol Beer 

(New York) Reckitt Benckiser, the company that owns Lysol has purchased Corona Beer from Anheuser-Busch InBev.  RB CEO Eric Spray said, "We feel kind of guilty about what has happened to Corona beer.  Because of the coronavirus, the beer is taking a beating.  Sales are down and it is just because of the name.  Our sales are through the roof for Lysol because of the virus.  So we have bought the beer."

 

Right now, the beer is being crossmarket across the country with Lysol to further spur Lysol sales.  But when the existing stock of Corona beer is gone, the name will be switched to Lysol beer.

Marketing expert Merch N. Diser agreed, "Corona is a dead name.  There's no bringing it back.  You'd get more luck with Dahmer Beer or Hitler Beer.  Lysol, on the other hand, is red hot.  They are real heroes.  Anything woth Lysol on it is selling.  if they run out of cleaner or spray, they will pour the beer on it.

"Opossum Man" Sited in Webster Springs 

(Webster Springs, WV) A new West Virginia monster was spotted in a secluded forest near Webster Springs.  Charlie Cox was one of several witnesses who reported seeing a hairy, very ugly creature dubbed “Opossum Man.” 

Cox was stumbling around in the woods Saturday, when he came upon a very hairy two-legged creature who appeared to be about six-feet tall.  The critter was only about five feet from Cox.  Cox who was startled threw a jar at the creature and the creature ran.  Cox followed him and threw a large rock at him.  The “Opossum Man” fell and was lying on the ground.  Cox was able to catch up with him and examine the creature.  Thinking the creature was dead, Cox intended to find his brother to help carry the animal home.  When he got several feet away, he heard a scuffling noise and turned to see the huge beast dart off in the opposite direction.” 

Cox said, “I tell you, that was the ugliest critter I’ve ever laid eyes on.  He looked like one of them banjo playin’ kids off of Deliverance.  He had beady little eyes and a hairy face.  He looked like a two legged possum.  He scared the tar right out of me.  After I hit him with a rock he fell like I killed him.  I kicked him a few times and he didn’t move.  But by God, soon as I left he was out there.  I reckon he was just playin’ possum on me.” 

There were at least ten reported sightings of The Opossum Man in the Webster Springs area.  Authorities also reported a ‘bad batch’ of meth reported in Webster Springs.  Several men were hospitalized after bad reactions to meth..  Many of the men reported having awful hallucinations.  Authorities are investigating to see if there is a link between The Opossum Man and the bad meth.

Iron Maiden Releases Gospel CD 

Thrash metal giants Iron Maiden have just finished recording their first gospel album "The Sign of the Cross." The album contains thrash covers of gospel classics and Iron Maiden rockers turned into gospel tunes.  Singer Bruce Dickinson states, "It's the loudest hardest versions of "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace" ever recorded...complete with our patented Maiden dual guitar solos.  We even changed Run to the Hills" to "Run to the Little Church on the Hill" and "The Number of the Beast" to the "Love of my Lord".

Drummer Nicko McBrain explained, "I turned to Christianity in 1999.  I have felt bad because since "Number of the Beast", everyone thinks we are a Satanic band.  We aren't and never were.  We just like to think if Jesus were alive he'd be at a Maiden show yelling "Irons up!"

Dickinson said, "We first were going to have Eddie dressed as a Catholic priest...complete with white collar.  But Eddie is a warrior and we thought that it was more Maiden like to have him defending the cross.  I mean, it is a big enough stretch to do gospel so we wanted to make sure we kept some Maiden concepts.  Don't be mistaken, it may gospel...but it is Iron Maiden...your ears will still bleed."

Clinton Introduces New Stress Reliever Combining Aromatherapy and BJs 

(Washington) Former President Bill Clinton revealed in a documentary to be streamed by Hulu on Friday that he had an affair with a former White House intern to reduce stress.  Today, Clinton held a press conference to announce that he will also be introducing a new product line on Friday.  Presidential Aromatherapy is a new stress relieving product that Clinton is introducing.  Clinton says the new main flavor combines the best two methods of relieving stress that he knows.

The first flavor being introduced is Aroma of BJ.  Clinton says this scent combines the expensive perfume smell of a young woman trying to make a favorable impression and the smell of a cologne of a dirty old man.  Clinton says the feeling the aromatherapy gives a customer is one of sudden energy but yet reduces stress.  Clinton said, "It's a magical feeling that I have only experienced only in happy endings.   The only things I ever felt that reduced my stress in the Oval Office were blowjobs and aromatherapy.  By combining the two, you get an extra-effective stress reliever and you don't end up getting impeached.  I wish I would have been able to use this while in office."

Other flavors coming soon are Impeacmint and Big Mac.

Down and Out in McDonald Land: Ronald McDonald on The Streets 

(New York)  Ronald McDonald scours the streets of New York looking for a cigarette bud.  Then, he begins his morning routine of checking dumpsters for "treasures" that he can resell.  The kids that see him, do not know him.  Adults do not recognize him.  It is the sad case of the fall of an American icon.

At the height of his popularity, it was said 96% of children knew who he was.  Now, children see him as another creepy clown.

 

In 2012, he was attacked by health advocates.  They called him "a pusher of unhealthy foods to children".  They said he was a cartoon hustler like Joe Camel.  McDonald's started backing away from him.

When the scary clown epidemic hit in 2016, they fired him.  "Life got hard," Ronald says. "Kids chased me.  Adults called me a pedophile.  Other clowns called me a pussy.  I couldn't find work."

 

To make things worse, hard times hit McDonaldland.  Hamburgalar went to prison for breaking into Wendy's.  Grimace got hooked on meth and lost weight and turned green.  Even Mayor McCheese got caught up in a sexual scandal and got impeached.  Ronald, himself  got arrested several times for breaking and entering.

 

"McDonald's used me up." Ronald cried. "They wouldn't even give me an Egg McMuffin on free Egg McMuffin day.  They just threw me out like old, greasy fries."

Judge Judy Quits Show To Be Bloomberg's VP 

(New York)  It is not any secret that Judge Judy Sheinlin is stepping out from in front of the camera after a quarter of a century of the Judge Judy Show.  But the real reason is that she stepping out from behind the judge's bench is a total shocker.

Judge Judy wants to become Vice President Sheinlin.  The huge Bloomberg supporter is going to be Bloomberg's running mate if Bloomberg wins the nomination.

A source close to the Bloomberg campaign stated, "Who in the world is mote trusted than Judge Judy.  She would be a natural.  No one could beat her in a debate.  She always gets the last word.

Word is that if Bloomberg fares well on Super Tuesday then he will make the announcement soon.  Many feel that Bloomberg is an underdog against Biden and Sanders and could use the star power that Judge Judy offers.

 

A story out of Washington is suggesting that President Trump has the inside information and is worried.  A rumor making the rounds in Washington is he is prepared to offer Judge Judy the next open spot on the Supreme Court.  Sheinlin has long been a Bloomberg supporter and the source said she quit the show to be his partner in the 2020 election.

 

Pizza Hut to Unleash Star Crunch Crust Pizza 

Pizza Hut is reaching across borders to borrow a concept from sister company KFC.  Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut are all owned by Yum! Brands.

KFC has been raising eyebrows with the release of the new Donut Chicken Sandwich.  Now, Pizza Hut is unleashing another beast combining their signature food, pizza, with a snack/ breKfast food, Star Crunch.  Yes, you heard right...The Star Crunch Crust Pizza will feature crust made from Little Debbie Star Crunches.

Yum! Brands President Dan Yum said, "We have the knack of creating some sickening shit.  While it sounds and taste completely gross, it is getting us free advertising in the form of news stories and social media shares."

Health food advocate Russell Sprout said, "This made for social media attention seeking by this pusher of unhealthy food is going to kill people with high sugar.  I think they are sitting in the Yum offices passing a joint around."

Yum! Brands will neither confirm or deny that their next crazy crossover creation will be Nachos with Hershey Syrup.

SC Winner Biden: "Sharks Have Killed a Million in SC" 

(South Carolina)  Democrat candidate for President Joe Biden took a chomp out of South Carolina has he won that states primary very easily.  Joe cut through the pack of presidential candidates like a great white shark through a school of fish.  Last week, Joe Biden incorrectly and quite famously stated that 150 million people have died due to  gun violence in America.

After his victory last night someone brought up that Biden took the primary like a great white shark.  Biden then said, "Sharks are a big problem down here in South Carolina.  Sharks have killed over a million people down here in the Carolinas the last few years.  I will make sure we pass law prohibiting sharks from attacking swimmers.  If we can stop these shark attacks we can boost tourism in South Carolina.  Shark attacks will be stopped when I become President of The United States."

Mike Finch, a Biden supporter from Myrtle Beach, said, "I am glad he is behind us.  Trump thinks Myrtle Beach is in North Carolina and Trump is probably swimming with the sharks.  I would feel more safe getting into the ocean if Biden gets elected."

Gary White, a Charleston, SC Trump supporter said, "Shark attacks and gun violence...I think Biden needs to check his numbers.  He may need a research class... or at least a math class.  At least, he is doing research instead of plagiarizing like he did in the 80's."